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I have just returned from a jog. It’s surprising to admit that statement. I think it might have been ten years since my last. Yet I found out recently that I have slightly high cholesterol, and I’ve been advised to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in my existence that the reason to exercise has been my bodily well-being. When I was younger, I jogged because I wanted to be thinner. I’ve also run to alleviate feelings of anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, not addressing it. At other times, I exercised because I aimed to get better with jogging. That represented the definition to me then to create an improved existence.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the approaches I’ve connected with my body during my years and its transformation as I progress from being a young person to midlife. I don’t think I’ve respected my own body, not fundamentally. I’ve appreciated it just for its capabilities and the objectives it provided: seeking approval; dodging sentiments; running a faster five kilometers. Previously, I hadn’t realized that my body is me, it is my existence, as opposed to something that produces results.

A great deal has been written through history about the split involving physical and mental aspects – a topic it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis in this piece. What I’ve found most compelling is Sigmund Freud’s view that mental and physical selves are innately connected from birth, because physical development demands mental growth and conversely. The infant’s bodily experiences – for example the corporeal experience of hunger – motivate consciousness to develop the ability to recognise hunger as an emotion that can be sated by nourishment; and the emotional comfort and satisfaction consistently provided by repeated nourishment feeds the child’s mind in the same way the food nourishes them bodily. Likewise mental events – such as the wish to get up and attain a goal, and the persistence to try again and again – are the cause and means muscles grow stronger. Starting at birth, our physical and mental selves are interconnected in reciprocal evolution as connected as a double helix.

But I have noticed, during therapy with my therapist, that mental and physical aspects can be in a distinct connection – one less integrated and increasingly manipulative. My psyche can use my physique to retain and express things that my mind deems unwanted or unbearable. During therapy we realized how there are specific feelings that I am afraid I can’t handle; instead of sensing them mentally, I unconsciously shift them to my physical self, where they get stuck as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced digestive discomfort – not connected to what I’d eaten, but was a type of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest mentally. This was not an intentional act, but when it was brought into my consciousness through therapy, and my dread and vulnerability and anger and alarm could be felt and expressed verbally in place of changed into bodily feelings, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems today.

The most severe episode I endured this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for many nights straight. I felt I was losing my sanity. I went a general practitioner, who scheduled multiple diagnostic procedures, but there was nothing corporally problematic. It was an alternate medic who informed me that the cause might be mental. My analyst agreed. I was surprised, but I also felt it was accurate.

Whenever someone endures a physical symptom, they can be offended upon hearing that it may have a mental root. They can experience like disrespect, the idea that their symptom isn’t real. Certainly such cases occur – some face their symptoms ignored or misdiagnosed. However, sometimes it might be that the bodily signs are real – no question – and the origin is psychological, the inner mind using the physical self to convey some pain or anger or any feeling the mind is unable to bear. Occasionally, we might assume our experience is only valid only through expression in physical form. We persistently neglect our mental states as individuals, collectively and culturally; why else can we allow the appalling reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS?

Personal insights have revealed that an improved existence cannot be created if we remain trapped unawares in patterns of interaction, internally and in relationships, that are rooted in disregard, exploitation and exchange. Such patterns are often easier to spot “in the world” in broader culture. It’s perhaps more challenging to think about where they come from, and to see these patterns personally and among loved ones, in the economy of our mental lives.

Yet it’s worth persevering. After donning my trainers again post a long hiatus, heading out not for a better body, or to eliminate an emotion, or to beat a personal best, {it